[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy