If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
sleeping beauty
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
saw this in a dream
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.