I WON A HAM TODAY
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How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Jail
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan