Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes