Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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