Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Wait a minute
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key