I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
You Might Also Like
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
This made me chuckle.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
In case you needed to hear it:
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Cha-ching is my safe word
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.