Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
All generalizations are stupid.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’m Sold!
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.