Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Guilty! 🤪
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.