I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.