“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My sex drive has a dui
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.