firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts