“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
You Might Also Like
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Candles never taste the way they smell
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
some cats are just doing for fun!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Best spot.. 😅