it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
You Might Also Like
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Rooting for the overdog
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Oh my God.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
*serious situation*
My brain:
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…