Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
You Might Also Like
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?