Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Art by Pastelkatto
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I beg your pardon?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here