[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
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What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?