[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
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Whoa 😂
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Cndnsd Mlk
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Festive toon…
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely