Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.