Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face