Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.