how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I’m good, thanks.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help