[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
You Might Also Like
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?