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[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
HELP 😭
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I’m too immature for adultery.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.