[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!