Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I only eat vegetarians.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.