The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry