DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
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A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I bet
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.