A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 馃憖
You Might Also Like
[small-town McDonald鈥檚 cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I鈥檝e forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn鈥檛 even bother getting up to greet me
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we鈥檙e out of milk. Cooking is hard.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it鈥檚 a good laundry day
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If I ever become a ghost, I鈥檓 gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
no
It鈥檚 pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Dance like you haven鈥檛 fallen off that pole twice already.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I鈥檇 like to see every photograph where I鈥檓 just someone
passing in the background.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.