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5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?