Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
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My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?