Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
There is no try. There is only give up.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave