looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds