*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.