It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.