are they though??
You Might Also Like
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Finally! 😈
titanic
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*