Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
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[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?