Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We鈥檝e been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it鈥檚 dark inside
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
This pepper has seen some shit
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 馃槈
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I鈥檓 lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn鈥檛 that kind of call, is it?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.