2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
You Might Also Like
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My last name is Zilla.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran