ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
dude it’s called proctologist
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar