I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
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The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !