My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You Might Also Like
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.