My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day