The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.