The glockness monster
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
all that yoga finally paid off
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi