I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
constantly working on myself.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*