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*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
You wish you had this many chins.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler