You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
you gotta be faster
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund