What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.