me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
put ‘er there pardner!
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
thanks auntie mary
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”